Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and Writing

Fall has finally arrived (despite the 80 degree weather today). Orchard trees are heavy with ripe apples. Pumpkins and Halloween candy already line the shelves. And Starbucks has a line a mile long for a new pumpkin-spice drink. 

Oh yeah, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is kicking in. 

In short, SAD is a type of depression that's brought on by changes in the seasons. While most people are afflicted during the fall/winter months, there are those, like a few close friends of mine, who struggle with spring/summer SAD. Both are forms of depression, but while winter depression leads to oversleeping, craving carbs, weigh gain, and low energy, summer depression deals more with insomnia, weight loss, and anxiety. Of course, each person is different, and your symptoms may vary. 

I can concur, though, that when winter depression starts to set in, I generally want to hibernate. The dream of wrapping up in a warm blanket with hot cocoa and carbs and nesting on the couch with pumpkin bread sometimes gets me through the day, even if it does make me less productive later. 

I know there are people out there who don't believe that SAD is a thing. How can the weather have such a change on people's moods? Well, if weather changes can lead to someone having migraines, why is it so unbelievable that they can cause depression as well? For winter depression, the longer nights and lack of light tends to set off people's circadian rhythms in a negative way. I already have trouble sleeping, and winter depression makes it harder for me to get up in the morning to face the next day. I find myself wandering around my house at night, unable to get myself to sleep because I don't want to face the morning, and then I'm even more exhausted come sunrise, which doesn't prep me for a good day at work. 

The low energy, trouble sleeping, and difficulty concentrating can have a very negative impact on my writing as well. When my brain is snarling with negative thoughts (guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness), sometimes the last thing I want to do is put my fingers to the keyboard. NaNoWriMo can pull me out of that mood for about a month, but then it's back to me curling up on the couch, not wanting to move or even look at my screen. I'm probably the least productive during my winter months simply because I just don't have the energy to come up with ideas. 

It's a wonder I'm actually able to launch books in December. 

SAD isn't something to take lightly. When things get bad, it's not unusual for people to have thoughts of death or suicide. That likely is what pushed me towards my near attempt in February. The depression was just too much to handle, and I slipped over the edge. 

So what can you do to combat it? Treatments can include light therapy, medications, or psychotherapy. I started light therapy last winter, and I could tell it made a difference. I set up special light boxes and just sit in their glow for 30-45 minutes everyday. The light is supposed to simulate sunlight, which can help with my circadian rhythm and mood. I'm actually going to start using the boxes again starting today before it gets too dark outside, just so I can start to feel their affects. 

I've been told, too, that an increase in vitamin D can also help with your mood during winter depression. However, you want to be sure you talk to your doctor about that before you take pills, to make sure you're not getting too much vitamin D. 

Other things to consider if you're struggling with SAD:

• Be kind to yourself. You're not alone in this struggle, so don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.

• Create a safe, comfortable environment for yourself. If it means setting up blankets and pillows for you to snuggle in after work, then do that. At least you'll know it's waiting for you.

• Reach out to friends or family if you're struggling and maybe go spend time with them to get your mind off of the depression.

• Hot baths or showers, massages, or other things that bring physical comfort.

• Light-hearted movies/shows. My depression often gets worse if I watch sad stuff, so try to have back-up things you can watch to make you feel a little better.

• Put up Christmas lights. I know this sounds silly, but I'm always a little happier when I have bright Christmas lights up during the dark months.

• Keep a journal and write out your emotions. Writing can be very cathartic especially when you don't understand why you're feeling so bad.

• Have the suicide hotline available: 1-800-273-8255 If you feel low enough that you're afraid you might want to take your life, please call the suicide hotline, visit your local hospital, or reach out to someone you trust. It will get better.

Depression can feel like a dark tunnel without a light at the end, but in the case of SAD, it doesn't last forever. The changing seasons can bring you relief after a long, difficult episode. There's no shame in admitting that you're feeling this way. Like I said, this affects many people, and you're not alone at all in your struggles. Just know what steps to take to help you safely through it.

Do you struggle with SAD? What kinds of things do you do to help yourself? List them below! 

Learning Self-Care as a Writer

I know I've talked about this topic before, but it never hurts to get a reminder. I definitely need one right now. Self care can come in many different forms. It can be as "simple" as getting more sleep or eating better to nourish your body. But for writers, there's even more that we can do to treat our minds and bodies kindly. 

So where is this coming from? It's probably no surprise that I have high-functioning anxiety and depression. My default is to keep doing more and more things to keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with some of the nasty internal thoughts. I also deal with the feeling that I'm "not good enough" and my accomplishments mean I'm just a little bit more worthy to exist. I really wish I hadn't tied my self-worth to my writing (or my weight), but unfortunately it's happened, and I'm trying to learn to let go. I could feel myself trying to do too much again and I realized, begrudgingly, that I needed to step back. 

I just finished running the big I.O.W.A. author signing that I've written about. In the past week, I've been in a lot of physical pain due to the anxiety and tension that had built up over the months leading up to it. I have a book coming out in December that I'm still working on editing, and a few book signings on my plate. To top it off, I was considering making massive edits to my YA fantasy book, Dragon Steal, to participate in #Pitchwars later this month. All last week and part of this weekend, I could feel myself practically choking on the anxiety, and I knew that I had to make some changes. 

You see, my health has been pretty awful this year. I've gotten cellulitis four times since January, my migraines have gotten worse to a degree, I've gained weight I lost, and my sleep has suffered. Most of that I attribute to being too busy and not focusing on taking care of myself. There's always some other writing project, or work, or volunteer thing to get done. I'm terrible at staying still and resting, (and saying no), but it's come to the point that if I don't start making changes, I might not be around to do all the things I want to do. 

So, I decided that I would step back from #Pitchwars this year 1. to give myself a break and 2. to give my book the time and care that it needs. I cancelled one of my book signing events that would have equated to a 7 hr drive in one day all while I'm still trying to mend my legs from cellulitis. I'm trying to eat better foods and get more sleep, which means not working myself to the bone until 1 or 2 am to meet self-imposed deadlines. 

Living a writer's life is hard, especially with jobs and volunteer work on top of it. I think it's easy for us to stop focusing on our bodies and put our full attention to our work. Yes, sometimes when the deadlines require it, it's necessary, but at other times, we need to remember to breathe and take care of our bodies and minds. Depression and anxiety are both so common among writers because many of us tie our self-worth to our writing. So what can we do to break away from that? 

I don't have the answers, but I implore you to take some time and reflect on your own self care. Here are just a few ideas to try if you're pushing yourself too hard. 

• Take a break. Your book will still be there when you come back to it.

• Make sure you're getting enough sleep, if not for your health, then to help your mind stay awake and creative.

• Don't create unnecessary deadlines for yourself. Focus on what projects are important, and go from there. You don't have to participate in every writing contest.

• Make meals for yourself. Living off of fast food sucks.

• Give yourself a real vacation. Taking days off just to focus on writing isn't a vacation, it's work.

• Find other hobbies outside of writing that make you happy (I play PokemonGo).

• Snuggle with a pet. They need love too.

• Remind yourself that your worth is not dependent on your book.

• Stop and smell the flowers. Enjoy the little things in life that are so easy to neglect.

• Meditate.

Have any other self-care tips? Feel free to post them below. And remember, you are not alone in this. We all struggle with self care and self love. I believe in you. 

Self-Care for Writers

It seems fitting that I'm writing about self care after having to take time off of work due to a migraine. This is also why my post is coming out on a Wednesday. Normally I would have fought through it, kept working, and made it worse. The fact that I was going to write this post made me rethink my decision because, truthfully, if I'm going to tell you how to take care of yourselves, I need to listen to my own advice. 

I've covered some of this in other posts, but I wanted to create a comprehensive list for anyone who feels burnt out or needs some support in regards to taking care of themselves. Many writers don't know what kind of self care they should do when they feel low or if they need self care at all. Here are a few warning signs to start off. 

• Anxiety/depression

• Exhaustion

• Lack of desire to write or writer's block 

• Irritability 

• Self-doubt or feeling hopeless 

• Overwhelmed

Some are you going to say, "Well, Erin, I feel this all the time!" I understand. I feel a lot of this as well, but when it's starting to affect your everyday life, you need to step back and take care of yourselves so you can stay healthy. A healthy mind and body will lead to better writing. 

• Take a break/ Do something you love: If you're feeling low and the depression is creeping in, try to take a break and do something you love. Even if you think it's just "wasting time," it's not if it makes you happy. Play video games. Read a book. Go to a pet store and play with some critters. Host a movie night. Watch youtube videos. Or sleep! Basically do anything except write if writing itself is causing so much stress. Contrary to what others say, you don't have to write everyday. 

• Sleep: Writers are pretty bad about getting enough sleep. Either we stay up too late or get up too early trying to get those words out. Consider adjusting your sleeping schedule so you're getting more rest both for your brain and body. You'll find you'll become more productive and feel better. 

• Get off social media: If you're struggling with self-doubt or comparing yourself to others, get off Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pintrest, etc. Shut technology down for a day and focus on you. Studies say that people often become more depressed after seeing all the accomplishments or exciting adventures their peers talk about on facebook. I know when I'm feeling overwhelmed, shutting down technology is my best route to recovery. It'll still be there when you log on the next day. 

• Shower/Take a bath: If you're stuck with writing, take a shower. Some of my best ideas come out there. And if you just want to get away from ideas and relax, take a shower or a bath for your body's sake. I love how the water pounds across my ears and silences the world. For a moment, I just feel safe and like the world doesn't need me. I'm doing this for me. 

• Take time for yourself: Make sure you're taking enough time to rest and relax. If all you're doing is overworking yourself to get that book done or meet social media standards, you're going to burn out very quickly. Take time, again, to do something you love, or take care of yourself. Even setting aside a half hour a day to watch a favorite show or sit under happy lights is a great way to decompress. 

• Chores: This may seem like a strange thing to add in here if you're stressed, but sometimes getting chores done helps me unwind. Cleaning, paying pills, making medical appointments, going shopping, etc.. Sure, it might be boring or frustrating at the time, but by the end of the day, you'll have accomplished so much. Last Sunday I managed to get a bunch of chores done and that cleared my mind up to write for a little while. 

• Therapy: If you're struggling with crippling self-doubt, depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts, consider talking with a therapist. I see one regularly to help me keep my head on straight. People will say, "Oh, others have it worse" but whatever you're going through is valid. If something is making you upset or hurting your quality of life, then it's important to get that treated. Seeking out therapy is not a weakness. It shows strength. 

• Listen to your body: If you're getting sick a lot, or you just don't feel well, listen to your body. It may be telling you that it's time to slow down. We only have one body and one brain. If either goes out on us, we're in trouble. So take care of yourselves. If you'd tell someone else to go to a doctor, take off of work, or rest if they feel like you do, then please take your own advice. 

• Support team: Build a support team so that, when you're struggling, you know who you can turn to. Maybe you just need someone to listen to you as you struggle through your writing ideas. Maybe you need a hug or a reminder that you're enough. Either way, reach out when you need support. You don't have to go this alone. That's what's both so important and wonderful about having a writing community. 

• Write your feelings: We may all get writer's block, but I guarantee we can all write about how we're feeling. No one else has to see it or know that you're writing it. Create angry poetry, construct short stories, write a blog post...do whatever feels right to help you acknowledge your emotions and work through them. 

• Hydrate: When we get wrapped up in writing, it's easy to forget some basic needs like drinking water. And sometimes we can forget that tea is a diuretic. So make sure you're hydrating your body (even if it does mean a lot of pee breaks away from your computer). 

These are just a few tips to keep in mind when things feel rough. I'm sure you all have your own self-care methods, so feel free to share them below! 

Just remember, you matter, what you feel is valid, and you are worthy of self care. 

Depression and Writing: Don't End Your Story

People often ask me why I write. I give them plenty of answers like, it's what I was born to do (cheesy, I know), it's as vital to me as the air I breathe (also cheesy), I love to create new worlds, I have stories to tell, etc. etc. Writing is also my outlet when I'm stressed or depressed. When I slip into the text and the world falls away, I feel a warmth in my chest that dissipates every awful thing I'm feeling. I'm lost in the story, and everything feels right with the world. In a way, my writing saves me from my negative emotions. 

But what about those times when it can't? What about the times when writer's block is so strong is drives me into a downward spiral of depression? 

I've written about anxiety, depression, and writing before, but what happened a week ago is very different. 

On February 2nd, my depression almost won. I won't go into great detail, but I checked myself into a psychiatric ward with the guidance and support of a friend so that I could take care of my mental health.

So I wouldn't end my story.  

You see, I love writing, but I do the same thing many writers do. I attach my self worth to my craft. If I can't write, I feel like something's wrong with me and I stress myself out more than necessary. It's habit. It's worse when I have a block on a big project I want to complete such as Purple Door District 2. For months I've struggled and felt disconnected with my craft. That's bad enough, but when writing is supposed to be an emotional outlet, and I lose that, I sometimes feel like I lose my purpose too. 

Don't get me wrong, a lot of things compounded over the months to make me so depressed, but not being able to write was a huge part of it. Writers tend to forget about their mental health when they're so busy creating. We get swept up in what we should be getting done or how we're not doing enough that we forget the warning signs our brain sends us when we've pushed ourselves too far. 

-Lack of interest in the things we love

-Unable to deal with daily stresses

-Losing sleep over worry

-Beating ourselves down for not writing because we see ourselves as failures

Sound familiar? I was feeling all of this, and yet I didn't realize just how depressed I was until it was almost too late. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not shy when it comes to talking about my mental health. Several writers on twitter have been told that they shouldn't discuss their emotions or mental health because it's "unprofessional" or "no one wants to hear their drama." 

Bullshit. 

Talking about how you feel makes you more real. It makes you more human and relatable. If Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and blog posts are your outlets and the only places you feel safe talking about your emotions, then do it. The United States has such a stigma about mental health, like it's a hush hush topic that no one should talk about.

Again, I call bullshit. If we talked about it, then maybe more people would know when to reach out for help. Maybe more creative minds would realize they're not alone in their struggles and there are people who care what happens to them. 

You are not your craft. Your worth is not measured by your word or page count, or your amazon reviews, or the number of books under your belt. 

One of the things that struck me the hardest about going into the psychiatric ward was when the therapist said, "You're a writer? Oh yeah, I've probably seen most of the writers in the city here." What does that tell you about us creative folk? We push and push and beat ourselves down when we should be lifting ourselves and others up for our/their accomplishments. 

So in case no one has said this to you today, you matter. You are amazing. You are loved. And you have a purpose. No matter how lonely you feel, there's a community out there that understands what you're going through. If you're too nervous to call someone for help, then try #writingcommunity on Twitter, or any number of writing hashtags on instagram. Believe me, you'll find that there are more people like you than you even realize. 

And during those really bad moments, when you feel like the world is coming down and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, please consider calling the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255. 

Your story isn't over yet, and the world wants to hear it. You're not alone.